ups and downs. positive and negatives. in physics class, my freshmen year of high school i learned; with every force there is and equal and opposite force. likewise, for every action there is an equal and opposite reaction. night has day. happy has sad. cold has hot. if you don't have downs you can never appreciate the ups.... we have our bad days to appreciate the good days. we have rough patches to teach us that we can handle them. it will never get worse than what we can handle.... sometimes we just need to sit back and soak it all up. 

today has been one of those days for me... this life has been one of those lives.

i spoke with someone the other day who knows more about the zodiac than i could probably ever remember. what he told me, helped me a lot to realize that i am not a freak  of nature, i'm just an individual who thinks waaaaayyyyy too much about my emotions. which is true. and not even a bad thing. yeah maybe i drive myself crazy sometimes, but i am more in touch with my emotions than most people, i believe. although i am a thinker, i am also a feeler, but i do think(sorry for the redundancy) that thinking about my emotions has somehow been my way of dealing with the way they feel. if i'm thinking about them then i am not necessarily feeling them, right? or is this just another way for me to cop out. whatever. i've felt bliss, and i've felt pain. i have hidden behind a wall for a long time. i have tried, and i have failed. i have looked love straight in the eye and ran away. i am, without a doubt, emotionally masochistic. what a terrible way to live.  but, when i spend hours upon hours talking myself in and out of feelings, just to realize once again that i lack any confidence to make a move, at least i end up understanding a little bit more about myself, and a little bit more about the world, even if it is my own reality filled with my own delusions. 

 
just because we think we are in love with someone doesn't mean we are. just because we think they don't love us back, doesn't mean we are right. sometimes a broken heart is meant to be mended, just sometimes we have to do our own mending. friends and family will always be there. sometimes those friends change, but sometimes we realize how important they actually are. we as human beings are constant variables. life happens, and things change us. we grow in different ways. sometimes paths cross. sometimes they veer apart. but when and if they come back together we should take a moment to think about it, but not too long or we may miss the point.  everything works out in the end... life is indeed like bubble wrap, and as each bubble gets popped we are on our way to a smoother life. but those bubbles are there to protect something.... and protected it shall remain, until the day it no longer needs protecting.... and then, only then we shall be free. 

as ben folds says, "here i stand sad and free. i can't cry and i can't see what i've done." (evaporated) nice tune, check it out.

so anyway.... i feel like kerri from sex and the city... but i'm just tori... always gotta keep myself grounded ya know? 
ps. this may not flow like a peaceful river, but like anybody's mind, i am full of dams.  but if you have taken the time to read this choppy mess of a blog, take the next thirty seconds to leave me a comment, let me know someone else understands this.... and maybe that you've gained something....

my grandparents. they are everywhere. i smell them at random times, in quite strange places. i feel them. i wish for their wisdom and i can feel them pushing me into a positive direction. i recently have become more open about myself as a person, and i wish so badly that they were still here to give their approvals and disapprovals alike. and although they have both passed, i swear i can feel them, and hear them telling me they love me.

A world with small communities or clans. little villages where like people gather. nobody asks questions as to why you are there or when you may leave. a world of vagrants, travelling from place to place, alone or in groups. no matter where you are, you are always home.

I find most drawn to enigmatic people. someone you have to figure out. people that don't put it all out there. the challenge of undoubtedly knowing, yet ever questioning. people who continue to spark my interest in them even when I think I've figured them out. These are the people who fill my heart.

 

Open.

Open your eyes.

Whispers.

Open your eyes.

My eyes are open.

 It is not what I see.

 It is what I feel.

Whispers.

With such sweet gentleness.

They graze my ears.

Open your eyes.

My eyes are open.

It is not who I see.

It is who I feel.

Whispers.

They crawl in,

Fill my soul.

Open your eyes.

My eyes are open.

It is not you I see.

It is you I feel.

Whispers.

You have come back.

Here with me.

I see you

I feel you.

My eyes are open.

My heart is open.

My arms are open.

My mind is open.

My soul is open.

Whispers.

a woman has stengths that amaze me.  she can handle trouble and carry heavy burdens. she holds happiness, love and opinions.  she smiles when she feels like screaming. she sings when she feels like crying and cries when she's happy. laughs when she is afraid.  her love is unconditional. there is only one thing wrong with her, she forgets what she is worth.